Saturday, October 29, 2005

for immediate release

I have been asked to make the following statement on my brother's behalf regarding the events that transpired this evening, commonly referred to in subsequent press accounts as The Great Houlihan's Applesauce Incident.

We would first like to note that no adults directly witnessed the occurrence. However, we do acknowledge that some measure of circumstantial evidence implicating Zak's involvement may be perceived from the fact he was seen eating applesauce moments before fellow patrons found themselves covered by the delicious concoction. Also, the mysterious disappearance of his applesauce cup combined with his allegedly foul temperament at the time of the incident are not beneficial to his case.

Therefore, we are prepared to offer our parents reimbursement for the amount they expended on our behalf to compensate the victims of this unprovoked and unwarranted culinary attack. The amount of this payment was sufficient to purchase beverages for the injured parties, specifically two margaritas and two diet cokes. We propose to make this reimbursement in cash at a later date, or are willing to offer equivalent compensation in the form of sticks and pebbles diligently collected during walks around the neighborhood. This offer does not in any way constitute confession of guilt or acknowledgement of involvement in this incident. However, we do wish to express our deepest regret that this terrible episode occurred and our heartfelt sympathies to those affected.

We are relieved to put this affair behind us and are very grateful for the continued love and support of our fans, friends and family.


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